What Others’ Think About You is None of Your Business

In the last year, I have had a lot of phone calls with friends that are upset about a bad interaction they have had with someone.  They can tell that the person on the other side thinks that they are being ridiculous or overreacting or in some way acting in a way that is bad, incorrect, or strange.  

Anna (names here have been changed for anonymity) called me one day.  She had to have a conversation with someone about why she didn’t want them to drink alcohol in her home.  She is religious and her faith is part of why she does not drink or want alcohol around her children.  She could tell that Roger thought her faith was silly or unimportant.  She was really caught up in this interaction and wanted him to better understand her and accept her faith. 

Here is the advice I gave her at that time:  

Who cares what he thinks about you?  His own ideas about you have nothing to do with your life.  People have weird or upsetting ideas about things all the time.  Just know that that is who he is and act accordingly.  

Another example I experienced recently is a friend who has sensitivities to things in her environment like fragrances and such.  She has been traveling a bunch and has been having reactions to things along the way.  Recently she was asking for help with something and she could tell that the maintenance crew thought she was overreacting.  She was upset.  This obviously acts as an invalidation of the person or their viewpoint. It is understandable why she would have stuck attention on this sort of thing.  

But you know what?  That other person likely means nothing to your life and has no say over what you do or how you live.  99% of these interactions are not with a mother or boss, but with some random person who has no bearing on your life.  

I know it is difficult, but it is important to realize that what someone considers about you has nothing to do with you.  Unless they are your direct boss or a teacher or in some way has power over you like deciding if you pass or fail a class or get a promotion, then who cares what they think about you?

You and your life decisions are based on your experiences and so much context that there is no way that anyone else can truly judge how you live your life.  

I used to walk around my life thinking all sorts of judgmental things about nearly everyone I met. When I was a teen and in my early 20’s I really thought I was the absolute best. Ha!  You know what happened?  I lived my life and learned more and was humbled by life experiences and I realized how useless all that judgmental mental activity was.  Did any good action come from it?  No.  Did anyone improve or get better because of those thoughts I had?  No.  It was all just wasted energy.

The best people I know are those that see the good in people they meet and concentrate on those things.  They acknowledge those things that they agree with and think are positive.  They don’t go out of their way to invalidate someone else’s ideas.  Those people are my friends.  I focus on them, and do my best to ignore the rest.